A little further down the line.

I think I have moved a little further down the line towards something. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a very ordinary man with many issues and problems, (I guess that is what makes me ordinary) but I can see them for what they are now: just things, they don't define me. Some have a nice little label, others have many names.

My dyslexia doesn't bother me too much any more. I know I need to think more carefully about what I write and how I write it. I also need to think about what I read a bit more than others;  that's all. I know I get anxious and sometimes really spiral into a deep blue mood, but who doesn't from time to time. I can now see when this is happening. Sometimes, I can even stop it from happening.

All this, I think, is a big improvement from where I was a few years back.  And just recently, I have turned a corner in my relationship also. I am far more accepting of things that in the past, I would have been unable to get over and would have stewed on for days.

Someone really quite smart said something profound to me the other day. They said that some of us are better than others, at hiding what we don't want the world to see. Meaning that everyone has perceived issues and problems (things that they perceive to be issues or problems but might not be) which they try to hind from the world. Some people hide them well while others do not. They who do not then become the focus and 'out of the norm', when really we are all normal because we all have things we would rather not. They bother some of us a lot while they might bother others only a little. Nonetheless, we all have something.

I had something that I was trying to hide from the world and even myself. I did not want to acknowledge that I had any difficulty and that I was just like what I saw in everyone else. But that is the funny thing isn't it - I could only see in others. what others wanted me to see because they were hiding their issues, and therefore, I could not see what they were/are hiding. And you know why - cause they were/are better than I am at hiding it.  See, we ALL have things we are hiding. That made me realise that I am hiding things and so is everyone else. Therefore, we are all the same.

So, what is the answer?  Stop hiding it and just accept it. It is what it is and trying to make it something other than what it is will drive you nuts.

So now, while I don't go around telling everyone and anyone all about how I work, I don't really try to hide it either.

Samsara

Life is suffering. Life is shit. People are shit. Look at all the bad there is in the world, why do people need to be so bad to each other? Even if people are not bad, there is just suffering all the time. I have been working hard to understand why and to live with all this samsara but I'm just drowning in it at the moment and am just unhappy all the time.

I have been meditating every day and for a little while during and after all seems ok, I can focus on the here and now and be a little at peace, but then the samara leaks into my mind and stays there for the rest of the day. I see all the crap in the world, all the suffering, domestic violence, racism leading to deaths and so many other things. I know that generally the world is getting better, we have more health , more equality, more education etc etc so all the protests and social media outlining all this bad stuff is probably needed so that more people are aware and therefore even more improvements can be made. But holy crap, all this in your face with death, violence, inequality and so much suffering, then there is just everyday life, which generally sucks also. Working every day, cleaning the house, washing clothes, do dishes. No one even cares. Wow, samara, you bet.

Three pillars of Buddhism

So I understand that the three pillars of Buddhism are:

1 study

2 meditation

3 service

Study is just as it sounds and is undertaken to establish / find the sign posts for the direction one should take in life.  One should study all areas to be more informed, more understanding and more able to discuss and participate on a factual rather than emotional basis. Understanding of the world comes from study.

Meditation is undertaken to better understand the sign posts found from study. One needs to meditate to gain an insight into their own mind, increase mindfulness, increase wisdom and therefore be able to follow the sign posts without bringing harm to oneself or to others.

Service is the final pillar where one contributes to the world through service. Doing no harm is a type of service, reducing pollution is a type of service, being patient with your children is definitely a service. Through service we make the world a better place.

I got a lot out of being introduced to these three pillars and so I have outlined them in a very basic way ( as I understand them to be) here so that someone else may also gain something from them.

Thanks for reading and I hope you do gain something.

Vulnerability and self growth.

There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self. 
--Ernest Hemingway

The ship never sails on calm waters.
--Annon



These two sayings are ones which have really spoken to me over the last four months while I have been doing this very difficult, stressful job which is well outside my area of expertise and experience. (Surprising I was picked to do it really but there was no one else so they decided to take a chance on me, and it has paid off for me personally, not sure about professionally.)

I have really grown as a person and I would like to say that I am a little superior to my former self. I think I am also a little more level with my fellow man; as I use to see myself as inferior, but maybe now, a little more equal.  

This inferior personal view is because I have a learning difficultly (dyslexia) which caused me a great deal of anxiety and embarrassment as a child, teenager, young man and does still to this day. I didn't know it at the time, because I guess I wasn't self aware enough to really be mindful of my feelings and aware of where these feeling came from, or even to really understand what these feelings were. I remember often feeling like I was going to vomit - but I didn't realise at the time that this was anxiety.  I just remember almost always feeling anxious.  It is minor compared to many other issues many other people have and I am grateful for this. Trouble is no one can see it, and reading and writing is something everyone does and needs to do and kind of just expects everyone else to be able to do, or think everyone else can do it.  As an adult, and in my profession, making an error in your spoken or written communication is seen as quite bad, not just a 'oh you silly thing', but a, 'are you sure you are qualified for this?'

Anyway, back to the point of this post. I have sailed the rough seas over the last four months, I have become a more superior person to what I was. I think I also have a little more healthy sense of self worth. I think I have done this because I have put myself 'out there' as they say, made myself vulnerable to the world (the rough sea) and allowed myself to be anxious, afraid and very exposed to possible criticism.  I did this on purpose as I was looking for a challenge which would test me - looking back now I think that maybe this was a major risk as there wasn't any safety net available should I have failed - but nonetheless, I did it.   Buddhism has shown be that these are just emotions and can not hurt me. These are just thoughts and these can not hurt me either. 

I got the word, 'vulnerable' from a TED talk I watched the other night by Brene Brown - "The Power of Vulnerability". She basically said that it is OK to be vulnerable and that in fact you need to be vulnerable sometimes in order to progress, grow, change. Or that is at least what I took away from what she said.  I think she is right. I am no longer afraid to tell people that I am dyslexic (well a little less afraid anyway).  This is the first time that I have ever written it down for others to know. Up until now (you who are reading this, is/are the only people outside of my immediate family who know. Even my brothers don't really know the full extend of my difficulty with reading and writing and how it has affected my life. Not being fully able to spell one's own name by grade 7 has a profound affect on someone. I was able to get by (just), passed most of my subjects, because I am quite smart in amm other ways, and learned to work around the problem, anything with words required me to work out a 'work-around'. I love spell check on the computer by the way. I am slow to comprehend new things but find that I can (eventually) comprehend most things.  That's a good thing to keep in mind when you meet someone with a disability - they are quite capable in many other areas.

So, I challenge you. Sail the rough sea, let yourself be vulnerable occasionally, in the right place and to the right people, don't be vulnerable to jerks who will just add crap on you, and when you are ready and on your own terms. Tell your loved ones your secret, let it out - it will set you free. I have told more people on this job about my anxiety and depression than all the other people put together, it feels good to let it out. It is not what defines you and not a big scary monster.

Thanks for reading and I wish you well on your journey.

Meditation as Counsellor.

To continue the story of my journey I'll talk a bit about the 2 and a bit years of counselling I attended before finding the Dharma.

Having studied a little bit of psychology myself and relationship counselling, I was actually able to follow the structure of the sessions  I was attending.  They were very, how do you feel?, what created that do you think? etc. After going to see one particular counsellor for about 12 months and not really seeing or feeling any difference, I did what most people would do and blamed him. He was obviously not a very good counsellor, I needed to find a new one - and that is what I did.

The second counsellor was a little different and talked about lots of different things. But what he did do for me is made me realise that the only person who could help me, was me!  So what I did was join the local Buddhist group.

I had always had an interest in Buddhism, ever since doing some comparative studies of religion at uni. I continued to see my 'professional' counsellor while attending the free Sunday Dharma group at this local Gumpa. Here I learnt some basic meditation and started to understand the Dharma as Buddha had explained it. Wanting to know more, I soon enrolled in an 8 week meditation course run by this same group. This provided me the solid foundation I needed to start me off on the daily practice, and ever since I have been attending the Sunday sessions for a little 'top-up' and some insightful teachings from some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. I have tried very hard to maintain my daily meditation sessions - if only for 10 minutes.

For a long while nothing was happening, I knew I needed to have a little bit of faith at first as it does take a little while for the meditation to start to work (bit by bit), changing the structure of the brain and the emotional highways throughout your body, but more importantly, how you see yourself and others. Once this starts to happen then you will no longer need faith as you will be able to see for yourself, first hand, that the meditation is working.

So for weeks I just sat there, holding into this faith as so many who have gone before me have done. Going through the motions, bringing my mind back to my breathing, again, and again, and again. Noticing my Monkey mind running, and then bringing it back over and over. But, between each Monkey jump or Elephant rant, I saw a little glimpse of calm.

Then one day, during a light breathing meditation where you breath in a bright white light full of love and joy and hope, my entire body started to glow a bright red. I was not visualising it glowing - it was glowing. I felt lighter than air, I felt like I was floating off the cushion. This only lasted a few short breaths and has never happened again, but at the end of that session, I felt so much love in me for all living beings that I sat there and cried.

This has never happened to me since and I dare say it may never happen again, but it gave me a small sample of what I might be able to achieve one day. I now don't need faith - I have seen a tiny sliver of the power of meditation.

Soon after this I stopped going to the counsellor and increased my meditation sessions to a full hour every day. I have had some more insights into my unconscious character, you know, the person we are when we don't really look at ourselves and just go through life by feel. These insights have provided me with a better understanding of who I am, how I feel about myself, how I feel about others, how I react to others, and many other understandings.

From this new knowledge of myself, I am now able to move forward with mindfulness and awareness. I can start to cultivate the awareness of everything I do without being overshadowed by my automatic daily habits and tendencies controlling me. I can start to behave the way I know is right and talk the way I know is right (even in the most troubling times) with a deliberate calm and peaceful manner.

While I am still so very far from achieving this - I know it is possible and I will get there with the help of the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha.  I know I am truly blessed to have had this opportunity to find the Dharma.

Self Aware

I am becoming a great deal more self aware and starting to see things in myself which I did not notice before. I am also starting to see things that I do not want to have in my behaviour or speech or thoughts.  The more I focus on the application of the Dharma, the more I see how I need to apply it. I think this is good.

One area I have really made some very big improvements of late is how I view others. I use to put some people on a pedestal (not for any good reason which they have shown me, but rather just because they hold a position or look like someone I should look up to) and found it very hard to talk to them, but recently I have become aware that everyone is just a human being, like me. Doing the best they can in this life (without a manual), just like me. While I see some are doing it better than others, I am the same as all other people and they are the same as me.

I have many problems (also many good points) and it is hard to see that others also have problems, especially when they are so very good at covering them up. This is something which I have come to realise, it is not that there are many people all around me who are without issues/problems/troubles, and therefore I stand out as the only one with issues, the different one; it is because many people hide them well and just make me appear to be different. But I only appear different to me as I can see inside myself and know my issues. All others look at me and are probably thinking the same as me, 'wow, he seems together' because they can see inside themselves and see their own issues, but can not see mine.

The job I am doing at the moment is the central hub or coordinator for a lot of information coming from a lot of different people. It is in this position that I am finding that even people in very high positions, still struggle from time to time.  I don't smile at their struggles, but it makes me feel like I'm just one of the team to know that these people are just like me, and that I am just like them.

My biggest issue is that: I have never mastered how to hide my problem and openly ask questions that others would not.

Anyway, how has this helped.  Well, I am finding it a little easier to approach people, to talk to people, to not take what they say as the total truth (it is just their personal truth). Therefore I am finding that I don't need it do all the changing, I am not the odd one out who doesn't fit, and to accept others who might be a little unskilled.

Dharma Works

You would not believe it but I'm currently overseas again with work. Doing almost the same thing I did before when my issues first started.

Before I left home I was very nervous about the task, very anxious also as all the old 'what ifs' started to play over and over in my mind. However, I also saw it as a challenge, because I thought that if I could get through another event like the last, then I would know that I was on the road to true, long lasting recovery from my anxiety and depression.

I didn't have too much time to think about it actually as work asked if I would go on the Thursday and I was on the plane the following Wednesday. This time, only for four months and with a totally new team. Great chance to apply what I have been learning in mindfulness sessions and Buddhist philosophy (Dharma).

First I had to tell myself that what happened the last time would not happen again, and if it did I would be able to be in control of my perceptions and understand that it was not about me last time but that one very unskillful individual. As long as I do my work the best I can and remain mindful of my actions and speech everything would work out.

Talk about a baptism by fire. The first day I arrived, I did so with two other members of my five person team. Also, the boss was on leave. Therefore there was only 1 person who really knew what was going on. At the same time a huge disaster occurred. The CEO didn't like that my boss was away and so placed someone (who was also new to the project) in place of my boss.  Let me recap, team of 5, only 1 who new what was going on, 3 new, boss away. disaster on the table. New boss was a micro manager who TOOK CHARGE, if you know what I mean. Thankfully he did this in a very nice and professional manner, but still, the tempo and workload was through the roof - and so where my stress levels.

I really relied on my meditation to stay focused on the work and not the stress, and mental skills to ensure that my perception was correct. This was the 'perfect storm' of bad luck. I meditate every evening over here, usually I would do this in the morning but over here the works seems to highest in the morning.  Usually for about 40 minutes. I still feel a little ...um shy maybe about the fact that I meditate so I haven't told anyone. I meditate on my own.  There is an old church nearby so I meditate in that, no one else seems to use it - even on Sunday.

So now after six weeks over here and doing the job, I made it through without loosing my rag or getting depressed, yes I cried myself to sleep once or twice and often thought about asking to come home. But I checked that thinking with mindfulness and stopped it before it took hold. I survived a huge test of my abilities and the truth of the Dharma.

Coming out of this rough patch and into some kind of steady state (the emergency is over and we solved the issues), the boss is back and all 3 new people (me included) now know what we are doing, it has become very clear to me that the teachings of the Buddha (The Dharma) are true.

THEY WORK.

I am living proof that the Dharma works. I suffered through a very rough patch and with direct application of the Dharma, I got through without too much of an issue at all. I did not slide back into depression, not really even into unhappiness. I am here and good and happy.

This experience has shown me that I am strong, and the Dharma works. It has become my greatest teacher.

Thank you Buddha, Thank you Dharma, Thank you Sangha.