Vulnerability and self growth.

There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self. 
--Ernest Hemingway

The ship never sails on calm waters.
--Annon



These two sayings are ones which have really spoken to me over the last four months while I have been doing this very difficult, stressful job which is well outside my area of expertise and experience. (Surprising I was picked to do it really but there was no one else so they decided to take a chance on me, and it has paid off for me personally, not sure about professionally.)

I have really grown as a person and I would like to say that I am a little superior to my former self. I think I am also a little more level with my fellow man; as I use to see myself as inferior, but maybe now, a little more equal.  

This inferior personal view is because I have a learning difficultly (dyslexia) which caused me a great deal of anxiety and embarrassment as a child, teenager, young man and does still to this day. I didn't know it at the time, because I guess I wasn't self aware enough to really be mindful of my feelings and aware of where these feeling came from, or even to really understand what these feelings were. I remember often feeling like I was going to vomit - but I didn't realise at the time that this was anxiety.  I just remember almost always feeling anxious.  It is minor compared to many other issues many other people have and I am grateful for this. Trouble is no one can see it, and reading and writing is something everyone does and needs to do and kind of just expects everyone else to be able to do, or think everyone else can do it.  As an adult, and in my profession, making an error in your spoken or written communication is seen as quite bad, not just a 'oh you silly thing', but a, 'are you sure you are qualified for this?'

Anyway, back to the point of this post. I have sailed the rough seas over the last four months, I have become a more superior person to what I was. I think I also have a little more healthy sense of self worth. I think I have done this because I have put myself 'out there' as they say, made myself vulnerable to the world (the rough sea) and allowed myself to be anxious, afraid and very exposed to possible criticism.  I did this on purpose as I was looking for a challenge which would test me - looking back now I think that maybe this was a major risk as there wasn't any safety net available should I have failed - but nonetheless, I did it.   Buddhism has shown be that these are just emotions and can not hurt me. These are just thoughts and these can not hurt me either. 

I got the word, 'vulnerable' from a TED talk I watched the other night by Brene Brown - "The Power of Vulnerability". She basically said that it is OK to be vulnerable and that in fact you need to be vulnerable sometimes in order to progress, grow, change. Or that is at least what I took away from what she said.  I think she is right. I am no longer afraid to tell people that I am dyslexic (well a little less afraid anyway).  This is the first time that I have ever written it down for others to know. Up until now (you who are reading this, is/are the only people outside of my immediate family who know. Even my brothers don't really know the full extend of my difficulty with reading and writing and how it has affected my life. Not being fully able to spell one's own name by grade 7 has a profound affect on someone. I was able to get by (just), passed most of my subjects, because I am quite smart in amm other ways, and learned to work around the problem, anything with words required me to work out a 'work-around'. I love spell check on the computer by the way. I am slow to comprehend new things but find that I can (eventually) comprehend most things.  That's a good thing to keep in mind when you meet someone with a disability - they are quite capable in many other areas.

So, I challenge you. Sail the rough sea, let yourself be vulnerable occasionally, in the right place and to the right people, don't be vulnerable to jerks who will just add crap on you, and when you are ready and on your own terms. Tell your loved ones your secret, let it out - it will set you free. I have told more people on this job about my anxiety and depression than all the other people put together, it feels good to let it out. It is not what defines you and not a big scary monster.

Thanks for reading and I wish you well on your journey.

Meditation as Counsellor.

To continue the story of my journey I'll talk a bit about the 2 and a bit years of counselling I attended before finding the Dharma.

Having studied a little bit of psychology myself and relationship counselling, I was actually able to follow the structure of the sessions  I was attending.  They were very, how do you feel?, what created that do you think? etc. After going to see one particular counsellor for about 12 months and not really seeing or feeling any difference, I did what most people would do and blamed him. He was obviously not a very good counsellor, I needed to find a new one - and that is what I did.

The second counsellor was a little different and talked about lots of different things. But what he did do for me is made me realise that the only person who could help me, was me!  So what I did was join the local Buddhist group.

I had always had an interest in Buddhism, ever since doing some comparative studies of religion at uni. I continued to see my 'professional' counsellor while attending the free Sunday Dharma group at this local Gumpa. Here I learnt some basic meditation and started to understand the Dharma as Buddha had explained it. Wanting to know more, I soon enrolled in an 8 week meditation course run by this same group. This provided me the solid foundation I needed to start me off on the daily practice, and ever since I have been attending the Sunday sessions for a little 'top-up' and some insightful teachings from some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. I have tried very hard to maintain my daily meditation sessions - if only for 10 minutes.

For a long while nothing was happening, I knew I needed to have a little bit of faith at first as it does take a little while for the meditation to start to work (bit by bit), changing the structure of the brain and the emotional highways throughout your body, but more importantly, how you see yourself and others. Once this starts to happen then you will no longer need faith as you will be able to see for yourself, first hand, that the meditation is working.

So for weeks I just sat there, holding into this faith as so many who have gone before me have done. Going through the motions, bringing my mind back to my breathing, again, and again, and again. Noticing my Monkey mind running, and then bringing it back over and over. But, between each Monkey jump or Elephant rant, I saw a little glimpse of calm.

Then one day, during a light breathing meditation where you breath in a bright white light full of love and joy and hope, my entire body started to glow a bright red. I was not visualising it glowing - it was glowing. I felt lighter than air, I felt like I was floating off the cushion. This only lasted a few short breaths and has never happened again, but at the end of that session, I felt so much love in me for all living beings that I sat there and cried.

This has never happened to me since and I dare say it may never happen again, but it gave me a small sample of what I might be able to achieve one day. I now don't need faith - I have seen a tiny sliver of the power of meditation.

Soon after this I stopped going to the counsellor and increased my meditation sessions to a full hour every day. I have had some more insights into my unconscious character, you know, the person we are when we don't really look at ourselves and just go through life by feel. These insights have provided me with a better understanding of who I am, how I feel about myself, how I feel about others, how I react to others, and many other understandings.

From this new knowledge of myself, I am now able to move forward with mindfulness and awareness. I can start to cultivate the awareness of everything I do without being overshadowed by my automatic daily habits and tendencies controlling me. I can start to behave the way I know is right and talk the way I know is right (even in the most troubling times) with a deliberate calm and peaceful manner.

While I am still so very far from achieving this - I know it is possible and I will get there with the help of the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha.  I know I am truly blessed to have had this opportunity to find the Dharma.

Self Aware

I am becoming a great deal more self aware and starting to see things in myself which I did not notice before. I am also starting to see things that I do not want to have in my behaviour or speech or thoughts.  The more I focus on the application of the Dharma, the more I see how I need to apply it. I think this is good.

One area I have really made some very big improvements of late is how I view others. I use to put some people on a pedestal (not for any good reason which they have shown me, but rather just because they hold a position or look like someone I should look up to) and found it very hard to talk to them, but recently I have become aware that everyone is just a human being, like me. Doing the best they can in this life (without a manual), just like me. While I see some are doing it better than others, I am the same as all other people and they are the same as me.

I have many problems (also many good points) and it is hard to see that others also have problems, especially when they are so very good at covering them up. This is something which I have come to realise, it is not that there are many people all around me who are without issues/problems/troubles, and therefore I stand out as the only one with issues, the different one; it is because many people hide them well and just make me appear to be different. But I only appear different to me as I can see inside myself and know my issues. All others look at me and are probably thinking the same as me, 'wow, he seems together' because they can see inside themselves and see their own issues, but can not see mine.

The job I am doing at the moment is the central hub or coordinator for a lot of information coming from a lot of different people. It is in this position that I am finding that even people in very high positions, still struggle from time to time.  I don't smile at their struggles, but it makes me feel like I'm just one of the team to know that these people are just like me, and that I am just like them.

My biggest issue is that: I have never mastered how to hide my problem and openly ask questions that others would not.

Anyway, how has this helped.  Well, I am finding it a little easier to approach people, to talk to people, to not take what they say as the total truth (it is just their personal truth). Therefore I am finding that I don't need it do all the changing, I am not the odd one out who doesn't fit, and to accept others who might be a little unskilled.

Dharma Works

You would not believe it but I'm currently overseas again with work. Doing almost the same thing I did before when my issues first started.

Before I left home I was very nervous about the task, very anxious also as all the old 'what ifs' started to play over and over in my mind. However, I also saw it as a challenge, because I thought that if I could get through another event like the last, then I would know that I was on the road to true, long lasting recovery from my anxiety and depression.

I didn't have too much time to think about it actually as work asked if I would go on the Thursday and I was on the plane the following Wednesday. This time, only for four months and with a totally new team. Great chance to apply what I have been learning in mindfulness sessions and Buddhist philosophy (Dharma).

First I had to tell myself that what happened the last time would not happen again, and if it did I would be able to be in control of my perceptions and understand that it was not about me last time but that one very unskillful individual. As long as I do my work the best I can and remain mindful of my actions and speech everything would work out.

Talk about a baptism by fire. The first day I arrived, I did so with two other members of my five person team. Also, the boss was on leave. Therefore there was only 1 person who really knew what was going on. At the same time a huge disaster occurred. The CEO didn't like that my boss was away and so placed someone (who was also new to the project) in place of my boss.  Let me recap, team of 5, only 1 who new what was going on, 3 new, boss away. disaster on the table. New boss was a micro manager who TOOK CHARGE, if you know what I mean. Thankfully he did this in a very nice and professional manner, but still, the tempo and workload was through the roof - and so where my stress levels.

I really relied on my meditation to stay focused on the work and not the stress, and mental skills to ensure that my perception was correct. This was the 'perfect storm' of bad luck. I meditate every evening over here, usually I would do this in the morning but over here the works seems to highest in the morning.  Usually for about 40 minutes. I still feel a little ...um shy maybe about the fact that I meditate so I haven't told anyone. I meditate on my own.  There is an old church nearby so I meditate in that, no one else seems to use it - even on Sunday.

So now after six weeks over here and doing the job, I made it through without loosing my rag or getting depressed, yes I cried myself to sleep once or twice and often thought about asking to come home. But I checked that thinking with mindfulness and stopped it before it took hold. I survived a huge test of my abilities and the truth of the Dharma.

Coming out of this rough patch and into some kind of steady state (the emergency is over and we solved the issues), the boss is back and all 3 new people (me included) now know what we are doing, it has become very clear to me that the teachings of the Buddha (The Dharma) are true.

THEY WORK.

I am living proof that the Dharma works. I suffered through a very rough patch and with direct application of the Dharma, I got through without too much of an issue at all. I did not slide back into depression, not really even into unhappiness. I am here and good and happy.

This experience has shown me that I am strong, and the Dharma works. It has become my greatest teacher.

Thank you Buddha, Thank you Dharma, Thank you Sangha.

First few weeks with mindfulness meditation

The course I enrolled in was with a Buddhist Center near where I live. It was an 8 or 9 week course (I forget exactly) and the first few weeks into the course was filled with the same usual thoughts and feelings I imagine most people have when they start something new, a little bit of apprehension, some skepticism, some shyness, and a lot of, 'what am I doing here?'

Apart from the actual technique of how to meditate - breathing, sitting, focus etc, we were instructed that meditation is something which needs to be done as regularly as possible, every day is best. It's not like cramming for a test were you can pull an 'all-nighter' and get the same benefit. Even just 10 minutes everyday is better than 3 hours on the weekend.

So to do this you need a space. Set yourself up a space where you can get some quiet away from the family to meditate each day. Decide on a time, morning is common but anything during the day or before bed is also perfectly OK.  I am lucky to live in a big house so I took one of the spare rooms as my meditation space. I set my alarm clock for an hour earlier and away I went. Every morning for weeks I meditated and I did eventually start to notice some changes.

The first change was that this meditation stuff was easy, very easy. I was able to stay focused for as long as I wanted, the colours we were told to visualise were very bright and sometimes even overpowering. I thought, wow - I'm good.

But after about 4 to 6 weeks after the course had finished, it all changed. My concentration went out the window, my legs were getting very stiff from sitting cross legged, my colours all seemed to disappear - what was going on? Getting in contact with the instructor I was told; "The honeymoon period is over!"

Like everything new, the first little while all seems great and exciting and sparkly and the mind is easily able to focus, but after the 'honeymoon' period, the new thing is not so new anymore and the mind starts to look for the next new thing. I was told to persist - this is the stage were many people give up and think that meditation doesn't work. Persistence is the key, and I guess a little bit of faith that the thousands of people who have meditated before me have actually gained something from it.

The few weeks to months which followed were tough. My mind struggled to do something else, jump to and cling onto all the thoughts that came my way during my meditation sessions. Once I remember that I even gave up and just let my mind follow the thought, like letting the dog have it's bone. I let my mind follow that thought and I just watched like a journalist waiting to see what would happen next. I didn't intervene or make my thought do anything in particular, just observed. At the end of the thought when I think that mind was ready to jump to something else, I then brought it back to the breath but asked myself, why did that thought have such a tight grip on me? I thought about it and had a small realisation about myself. So...I gained a little bit of insight or wisdom about myself; and afterall that is the ultimate point of meditation.

Our mind things of some very strange stuff sometimes. But everything we think of has some kind of meaning.

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So if you start something new, be gentle on yourself and give yourself some time to adjust and except the change. Be patient with yourself and the new thing you started, the shine you experience when that thing is new is only your perception because it is new. Don't let that shine fade away too quickly and when it does, try to remember how it felt and keep that thing fresh. 

Thank you for reading and I wish you all the best with your new thing.

Introduction to Meditation

The professional help (Psychologist) was going through the motions well enough and making a lot of sense, but after six months of one Psych and not really getting all that much better I switched to a different one.  Again after about another six months there was only a small improvement. I was starting to think that it would take the rest of my life to 'recover'. I was however in a place where I could start to rationally think about things for myself. (I guess that was a big improvement in itself.)

So I started to have the realisation that I needed to do something else, something with more practical application rather than just sitting and talking about the same old stuff each fortnight.  Talking about the past is OK for a little while, but eventually you need to start to focus on the now.

Enter - Meditation.

I had always been interested in Eastern elements, medicine, martial arts, religion, culture, massage and meditation. So I bit the bullet as they say, and found a place offering a course in Calm Abiding Meditation. Nine weeks for about $90, not a bad deal. Calm Abiding Meditation (or Shamatha Meditation) is Buddhist Meditation and so with this introduction to meditation came my introduction to Buddhism.

The practical meditation really did calm me and almost immediately I could feel some instant benefit from this practice. These benefits didn't last much longer than the individual meditation session but at least I could see that maybe, just maybe there was something more to this meditation thing and that it wouldn't take the rest of my life to heal.

The theory we were learning about also seemed to make a lot of practical sense, while it didn't help immediately, it did seem logical and without a lot of 'just believe me', and that appealed to me. At the start I did need to take it on faith that the meditation would work long term, but I thought that at least it can't do any harm. So after the nine week course I started to meditate every morning. I was still seeing the Psychologist occasionally but I finished this a few months later as I felt it wasn't worth the time.  I looked to meditation and the teachings of Buddha deeply for guidance.

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I'll leave this entry here and go more into the beginning experience of meditation next time.
Thanks for reading.

Recognising there was a problem

After returning home I just assumed that all would settle back as it was before the overseas project - WRONG. The sleeplessness continued, the nightmares continued (almost every night). These were not like night terrors from which I awoke in a pool of sweat like you see in the movies, just bad dreams; mostly about people I love dying.  The other very strange thing which I experienced was very raw emotions (later to find out I was on the edge of bipolar disorder). When there was bad news on the TV/radio or just from others, I found it very had to not break down into tears - instantly. I would sometimes have to pull the car over as I was crying too much to continue driving after hearing something bad on the radio. These feeling stayed with me for way longer than I think they should have. I really felt like my emotions where broken.

After about six months of being home, all the issues where still there; and, well starting to get worse as I was now starting to withdraw from life.

I wasn't watching TV, or listening to the radio or reading the newspaper because most of the news is bad news - have you ever noticed. I was getting very angry with the family very quickly. I didn't really want go out or socialise. Work was the one constant in all this but I don’t think I was really value adding to anything much - generally life was a blur.  I now know that high levels of anxiety stopped me from really focusing on life and taking in anything new.

Like most people I didn't bother to seek help (I really had never heard of such a thing as Mental Health). I still just thought that I would get better - when I say better, I didn't think of myself as sick, rather broken. It felt like I didn't work anymore. If I was a kitchen appliance I would have been put in the garbage. I don't think I really thought about how or if I would/could get better. I don't really think I was thinking much about the future or how to improve the current situation. I guess I was just waiting for something 'magical' to happen all by itself. It is funny to look back over it now and realise that, I wasn't thinking at all.

Buddha would have said that I was stuck in the past, constantly focused on what HAD happened rather than what IS happening. I needed to forgive him, myself and clarify my view on existence.

So almost by accident (with a little help from work and a little help from home), I found myself at a Psychologist. I don't really even remember what we talked about at that first session; all I can remember is crying for almost the entire time; sometimes uncontrollably. I do remember feeling ashamed. Here I was, a grown man crying in front of another grown man – a stranger.   I also remember being a little scared, these feelings were bigger than I had realised and I wondered if I could ever bring them back in.

Now I was never brought up as a 'Men don't cry' man, or a 'Bottle it up and move on' type but none the less, there must have been a little bit of this -such is the power of socialisation. This is just the first item I have uncovered on this entire journey. There has been a lot of self discovery and realisation since starting down the mindfulness path. I also didn't fully realise that I had Mental Health issues and really did need professional help.

       It's always OK to ask... Are you OK?

The incident

Once I realised that I needed to get out of teaching, I started looking for another job. I wasn't really awake enough at this stage of my life to know what would become my life's work so I was just looking for another job. The Defence Force was advertising for Education Officers and so I looked into that. One thing lead to another and I joined up six months later.

It was during my time as an Education Officer which really changed my life for the better and for ever. Depression hit.  Yes for the better - read on!

Let me outline what lead me into depression. It was a number of things really but one thing was the catalyst so let me start with that.

I was working overseas for a short period of time. Because it was only going to be a short project, few months, my family stayed home. The job I was sent over to do wasn't there when I arrived, so my new boss put me into something which I had never done before, had no experience with, not training and provided no support - great management skills right from the get go!

So there I was away from family support, overseas doing a job I didn't know how to do. Bad but not the end of the world. I did some research, talked to others and made the rest up. After about two months I was starting to get on top of things and thought, "I can do this".

But then it all started to go down hill. The boss, in his great management style started to belittle me in front of all of management; work me hard and make me present my work at board meetings where he hadn't before, pick apart my work to the smallest degree, in front of everyone. I took some solace in the fact that he was also doing this to others - it wasn't personal.

The whole general feel of the office went down and down until people were all being very nasty to each other, blaming each other (sometimes for things that didn't even happen). The Boss' PA quit because she was sick of him yelling at her and throwing his coffee at her. The local medical adviser quick because he was sick of his public bullying and belittling. I couldn't quit as I had a family to support and I just kept hoping that this project would be completed and I would head home to my regular position soon. He wouldn't let any of the ladies sit or meet together without a man in the group because he said that without a man, all the ladies would just gossip.A real catch right!!!

I could go on but I think you get the general idea - this man was a pig.  (I know now that he was suffering, but that took me a while to come to terms with.)

Bit by bit the fear/anxiety arose in the pit of my stomach, I didn't want to face it anymore, then came the inability to sleep (which was a big deal for me as I use to fall asleep on the plane - before takeoff) and when sleep did come, there were nightmares, and the constant and total feeling that I was simply not good enough; for anything.

At the time I thought that this was the only issue bothering me, but through mindfulness (and some professional counselling and Psychological support) I was able to guess (I would like to say confirm but can you ever really be sure)  that I had unresolved issues from my past which also lead to my feeling of total inadequacy. I will not go into them now but let them come out throughout the rest of these blogs as they did for me, little by little.

What I have learned most about this is that it doesn't take a major incident to push someone out of balance, I mean, I didn't have a near death experience, I didn't see someone die in front of me or loose a loved one.....I was a victim of workplace bullying.

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Please be gentle with yourself and others as you never know how they are, what other pressures they are under and what a little bit extra stress might do to them; or that just a little bit of compassion might be enough to help them out.

Thanks for reading.

Background

So, I think to start with I should tell you a little about my background. I was born into a very normal, average sized, working class family, who lived in a very normal, small to middle sized town in a very normal house. I went to the local school and also all the other expected things - cubs, scouts, tennis, soccer, athletics. I was good at them all - but great at none. I had a few very good friends (with whom I still keep in touch) but I was not the popular kid. I was a very normal, average, person.  Now this is probably exactly how many other people grow up, I'm not sure I haven't asked too many - maybe I should!

I often tell people when we are discussing our lives that I feel like I wasn't really alive back then, I kind of, started to become alive as I reached my mid 20s and still it took about 10 years for this process to reach completion. Now I'm not saying here is that I'm complete - simply now aware that I am alive. That is probably, again, what happens to most other people. Maybe at the age of about 35 (or mid life) is when people 'wake up', become 'alive' and suddenly think, WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE? WHERE HAVE I BEEN ALL THIS TIME?

But at about 35 I think I was only partially alive. Oh sure I was breathing and my heart was doing what it was supposed to. However, I was really only going through the motions. (Maybe as a child I was living in the moment as I do remember being very happy most of the time, but I don't think I was mindful or cognisant of that fact; but that is another story altogether and one I will explore later.) Now I did have a few ideas of my own when I was growing up, I'm not saying I was just doing what ever others told me to, but nonetheless, I really didn't push against the status quo; I was a good boy - if you know what I mean? I thought at one point in time that I would like to be a Vet or a Pilot, but decided that maybe a Carpenter was more 'possible'. I knew I wasn't all that smart - or was that just what others had been telling me? If you hear something for long enough, you start to believe it.

I always found school a little difficult and had a rough time learning, but still this didn't really bother me at the time (or so I thought) - that I was aware of; as in, I don't remember sitting about thinking, "I'm so dumb, I'll never do anything!" But I do know now that it was a big part of my makeup.

So that's about it for background story. I finished high school and not really knowing exactly what I wanted to do I applied for uni. Got into and Bachelor of Arts degree and off I went. Finished three years of that with still no real or solid idea of what I wanted to do, so I did what I think a lot of people who don't know what they want to do - I did a degree in teaching.

I'm glad I went to uni at all as this is where I made some great friends, had some great times and most importantly; met my wife.

Once I completed my teaching studies I got a job in my home state and started working. It was OK but not totally fulfilling.

Thanks for reading.