Meditation as Counsellor.

To continue the story of my journey I'll talk a bit about the 2 and a bit years of counselling I attended before finding the Dharma.

Having studied a little bit of psychology myself and relationship counselling, I was actually able to follow the structure of the sessions  I was attending.  They were very, how do you feel?, what created that do you think? etc. After going to see one particular counsellor for about 12 months and not really seeing or feeling any difference, I did what most people would do and blamed him. He was obviously not a very good counsellor, I needed to find a new one - and that is what I did.

The second counsellor was a little different and talked about lots of different things. But what he did do for me is made me realise that the only person who could help me, was me!  So what I did was join the local Buddhist group.

I had always had an interest in Buddhism, ever since doing some comparative studies of religion at uni. I continued to see my 'professional' counsellor while attending the free Sunday Dharma group at this local Gumpa. Here I learnt some basic meditation and started to understand the Dharma as Buddha had explained it. Wanting to know more, I soon enrolled in an 8 week meditation course run by this same group. This provided me the solid foundation I needed to start me off on the daily practice, and ever since I have been attending the Sunday sessions for a little 'top-up' and some insightful teachings from some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. I have tried very hard to maintain my daily meditation sessions - if only for 10 minutes.

For a long while nothing was happening, I knew I needed to have a little bit of faith at first as it does take a little while for the meditation to start to work (bit by bit), changing the structure of the brain and the emotional highways throughout your body, but more importantly, how you see yourself and others. Once this starts to happen then you will no longer need faith as you will be able to see for yourself, first hand, that the meditation is working.

So for weeks I just sat there, holding into this faith as so many who have gone before me have done. Going through the motions, bringing my mind back to my breathing, again, and again, and again. Noticing my Monkey mind running, and then bringing it back over and over. But, between each Monkey jump or Elephant rant, I saw a little glimpse of calm.

Then one day, during a light breathing meditation where you breath in a bright white light full of love and joy and hope, my entire body started to glow a bright red. I was not visualising it glowing - it was glowing. I felt lighter than air, I felt like I was floating off the cushion. This only lasted a few short breaths and has never happened again, but at the end of that session, I felt so much love in me for all living beings that I sat there and cried.

This has never happened to me since and I dare say it may never happen again, but it gave me a small sample of what I might be able to achieve one day. I now don't need faith - I have seen a tiny sliver of the power of meditation.

Soon after this I stopped going to the counsellor and increased my meditation sessions to a full hour every day. I have had some more insights into my unconscious character, you know, the person we are when we don't really look at ourselves and just go through life by feel. These insights have provided me with a better understanding of who I am, how I feel about myself, how I feel about others, how I react to others, and many other understandings.

From this new knowledge of myself, I am now able to move forward with mindfulness and awareness. I can start to cultivate the awareness of everything I do without being overshadowed by my automatic daily habits and tendencies controlling me. I can start to behave the way I know is right and talk the way I know is right (even in the most troubling times) with a deliberate calm and peaceful manner.

While I am still so very far from achieving this - I know it is possible and I will get there with the help of the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha.  I know I am truly blessed to have had this opportunity to find the Dharma.