You would not believe it but I'm currently overseas again with work. Doing almost the same thing I did before when my issues first started.
Before I left home I was very nervous about the task, very anxious also as all the old 'what ifs' started to play over and over in my mind. However, I also saw it as a challenge, because I thought that if I could get through another event like the last, then I would know that I was on the road to true, long lasting recovery from my anxiety and depression.
I didn't have too much time to think about it actually as work asked if I would go on the Thursday and I was on the plane the following Wednesday. This time, only for four months and with a totally new team. Great chance to apply what I have been learning in mindfulness sessions and Buddhist philosophy (Dharma).
First I had to tell myself that what happened the last time would not happen again, and if it did I would be able to be in control of my perceptions and understand that it was not about me last time but that one very unskillful individual. As long as I do my work the best I can and remain mindful of my actions and speech everything would work out.
Talk about a baptism by fire. The first day I arrived, I did so with two other members of my five person team. Also, the boss was on leave. Therefore there was only 1 person who really knew what was going on. At the same time a huge disaster occurred. The CEO didn't like that my boss was away and so placed someone (who was also new to the project) in place of my boss. Let me recap, team of 5, only 1 who new what was going on, 3 new, boss away. disaster on the table. New boss was a micro manager who TOOK CHARGE, if you know what I mean. Thankfully he did this in a very nice and professional manner, but still, the tempo and workload was through the roof - and so where my stress levels.
I really relied on my meditation to stay focused on the work and not the stress, and mental skills to ensure that my perception was correct. This was the 'perfect storm' of bad luck. I meditate every evening over here, usually I would do this in the morning but over here the works seems to highest in the morning. Usually for about 40 minutes. I still feel a little ...um shy maybe about the fact that I meditate so I haven't told anyone. I meditate on my own. There is an old church nearby so I meditate in that, no one else seems to use it - even on Sunday.
So now after six weeks over here and doing the job, I made it through without loosing my rag or getting depressed, yes I cried myself to sleep once or twice and often thought about asking to come home. But I checked that thinking with mindfulness and stopped it before it took hold. I survived a huge test of my abilities and the truth of the Dharma.
Coming out of this rough patch and into some kind of steady state (the emergency is over and we solved the issues), the boss is back and all 3 new people (me included) now know what we are doing, it has become very clear to me that the teachings of the Buddha (The Dharma) are true.
THEY WORK.
I am living proof that the Dharma works. I suffered through a very rough patch and with direct application of the Dharma, I got through without too much of an issue at all. I did not slide back into depression, not really even into unhappiness. I am here and good and happy.
This experience has shown me that I am strong, and the Dharma works. It has become my greatest teacher.
Thank you Buddha, Thank you Dharma, Thank you Sangha.
