There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.
--Ernest Hemingway
The ship never sails on calm waters.
--Annon
These two sayings are ones which have really spoken to me over the last four months while I have been doing this very difficult, stressful job which is well outside my area of expertise and experience. (Surprising I was picked to do it really but there was no one else so they decided to take a chance on me, and it has paid off for me personally, not sure about professionally.)
I have really grown as a person and I would like to say that I am a little superior to my former self. I think I am also a little more level with my fellow man; as I use to see myself as inferior, but maybe now, a little more equal.
This inferior personal view is because I have a learning difficultly (dyslexia) which caused me a great deal of anxiety and embarrassment as a child, teenager, young man and does still to this day. I didn't know it at the time, because I guess I wasn't self aware enough to really be mindful of my feelings and aware of where these feeling came from, or even to really understand what these feelings were. I remember often feeling like I was going to vomit - but I didn't realise at the time that this was anxiety. I just remember almost always feeling anxious. It is minor compared to many other issues many other people have and I am grateful for this. Trouble is no one can see it, and reading and writing is something everyone does and needs to do and kind of just expects everyone else to be able to do, or think everyone else can do it. As an adult, and in my profession, making an error in your spoken or written communication is seen as quite bad, not just a 'oh you silly thing', but a, 'are you sure you are qualified for this?'
Anyway, back to the point of this post. I have sailed the rough seas over the last four months, I have become a more superior person to what I was. I think I also have a little more healthy sense of self worth. I think I have done this because I have put myself 'out there' as they say, made myself vulnerable to the world (the rough sea) and allowed myself to be anxious, afraid and very exposed to possible criticism. I did this on purpose as I was looking for a challenge which would test me - looking back now I think that maybe this was a major risk as there wasn't any safety net available should I have failed - but nonetheless, I did it. Buddhism has shown be that these are just emotions and can not hurt me. These are just thoughts and these can not hurt me either.
I got the word, 'vulnerable' from a TED talk I watched the other night by Brene Brown - "The Power of Vulnerability". She basically said that it is OK to be vulnerable and that in fact you need to be vulnerable sometimes in order to progress, grow, change. Or that is at least what I took away from what she said. I think she is right. I am no longer afraid to tell people that I am dyslexic (well a little less afraid anyway). This is the first time that I have ever written it down for others to know. Up until now (you who are reading this, is/are the only people outside of my immediate family who know. Even my brothers don't really know the full extend of my difficulty with reading and writing and how it has affected my life. Not being fully able to spell one's own name by grade 7 has a profound affect on someone. I was able to get by (just), passed most of my subjects, because I am quite smart in amm other ways, and learned to work around the problem, anything with words required me to work out a 'work-around'. I love spell check on the computer by the way. I am slow to comprehend new things but find that I can (eventually) comprehend most things. That's a good thing to keep in mind when you meet someone with a disability - they are quite capable in many other areas.
So, I challenge you. Sail the rough sea, let yourself be vulnerable occasionally, in the right place and to the right people, don't be vulnerable to jerks who will just add crap on you, and when you are ready and on your own terms. Tell your loved ones your secret, let it out - it will set you free. I have told more people on this job about my anxiety and depression than all the other people put together, it feels good to let it out. It is not what defines you and not a big scary monster.
Thanks for reading and I wish you well on your journey.
