Introduction to Meditation

The professional help (Psychologist) was going through the motions well enough and making a lot of sense, but after six months of one Psych and not really getting all that much better I switched to a different one.  Again after about another six months there was only a small improvement. I was starting to think that it would take the rest of my life to 'recover'. I was however in a place where I could start to rationally think about things for myself. (I guess that was a big improvement in itself.)

So I started to have the realisation that I needed to do something else, something with more practical application rather than just sitting and talking about the same old stuff each fortnight.  Talking about the past is OK for a little while, but eventually you need to start to focus on the now.

Enter - Meditation.

I had always been interested in Eastern elements, medicine, martial arts, religion, culture, massage and meditation. So I bit the bullet as they say, and found a place offering a course in Calm Abiding Meditation. Nine weeks for about $90, not a bad deal. Calm Abiding Meditation (or Shamatha Meditation) is Buddhist Meditation and so with this introduction to meditation came my introduction to Buddhism.

The practical meditation really did calm me and almost immediately I could feel some instant benefit from this practice. These benefits didn't last much longer than the individual meditation session but at least I could see that maybe, just maybe there was something more to this meditation thing and that it wouldn't take the rest of my life to heal.

The theory we were learning about also seemed to make a lot of practical sense, while it didn't help immediately, it did seem logical and without a lot of 'just believe me', and that appealed to me. At the start I did need to take it on faith that the meditation would work long term, but I thought that at least it can't do any harm. So after the nine week course I started to meditate every morning. I was still seeing the Psychologist occasionally but I finished this a few months later as I felt it wasn't worth the time.  I looked to meditation and the teachings of Buddha deeply for guidance.

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I'll leave this entry here and go more into the beginning experience of meditation next time.
Thanks for reading.

Recognising there was a problem

After returning home I just assumed that all would settle back as it was before the overseas project - WRONG. The sleeplessness continued, the nightmares continued (almost every night). These were not like night terrors from which I awoke in a pool of sweat like you see in the movies, just bad dreams; mostly about people I love dying.  The other very strange thing which I experienced was very raw emotions (later to find out I was on the edge of bipolar disorder). When there was bad news on the TV/radio or just from others, I found it very had to not break down into tears - instantly. I would sometimes have to pull the car over as I was crying too much to continue driving after hearing something bad on the radio. These feeling stayed with me for way longer than I think they should have. I really felt like my emotions where broken.

After about six months of being home, all the issues where still there; and, well starting to get worse as I was now starting to withdraw from life.

I wasn't watching TV, or listening to the radio or reading the newspaper because most of the news is bad news - have you ever noticed. I was getting very angry with the family very quickly. I didn't really want go out or socialise. Work was the one constant in all this but I don’t think I was really value adding to anything much - generally life was a blur.  I now know that high levels of anxiety stopped me from really focusing on life and taking in anything new.

Like most people I didn't bother to seek help (I really had never heard of such a thing as Mental Health). I still just thought that I would get better - when I say better, I didn't think of myself as sick, rather broken. It felt like I didn't work anymore. If I was a kitchen appliance I would have been put in the garbage. I don't think I really thought about how or if I would/could get better. I don't really think I was thinking much about the future or how to improve the current situation. I guess I was just waiting for something 'magical' to happen all by itself. It is funny to look back over it now and realise that, I wasn't thinking at all.

Buddha would have said that I was stuck in the past, constantly focused on what HAD happened rather than what IS happening. I needed to forgive him, myself and clarify my view on existence.

So almost by accident (with a little help from work and a little help from home), I found myself at a Psychologist. I don't really even remember what we talked about at that first session; all I can remember is crying for almost the entire time; sometimes uncontrollably. I do remember feeling ashamed. Here I was, a grown man crying in front of another grown man – a stranger.   I also remember being a little scared, these feelings were bigger than I had realised and I wondered if I could ever bring them back in.

Now I was never brought up as a 'Men don't cry' man, or a 'Bottle it up and move on' type but none the less, there must have been a little bit of this -such is the power of socialisation. This is just the first item I have uncovered on this entire journey. There has been a lot of self discovery and realisation since starting down the mindfulness path. I also didn't fully realise that I had Mental Health issues and really did need professional help.

       It's always OK to ask... Are you OK?

The incident

Once I realised that I needed to get out of teaching, I started looking for another job. I wasn't really awake enough at this stage of my life to know what would become my life's work so I was just looking for another job. The Defence Force was advertising for Education Officers and so I looked into that. One thing lead to another and I joined up six months later.

It was during my time as an Education Officer which really changed my life for the better and for ever. Depression hit.  Yes for the better - read on!

Let me outline what lead me into depression. It was a number of things really but one thing was the catalyst so let me start with that.

I was working overseas for a short period of time. Because it was only going to be a short project, few months, my family stayed home. The job I was sent over to do wasn't there when I arrived, so my new boss put me into something which I had never done before, had no experience with, not training and provided no support - great management skills right from the get go!

So there I was away from family support, overseas doing a job I didn't know how to do. Bad but not the end of the world. I did some research, talked to others and made the rest up. After about two months I was starting to get on top of things and thought, "I can do this".

But then it all started to go down hill. The boss, in his great management style started to belittle me in front of all of management; work me hard and make me present my work at board meetings where he hadn't before, pick apart my work to the smallest degree, in front of everyone. I took some solace in the fact that he was also doing this to others - it wasn't personal.

The whole general feel of the office went down and down until people were all being very nasty to each other, blaming each other (sometimes for things that didn't even happen). The Boss' PA quit because she was sick of him yelling at her and throwing his coffee at her. The local medical adviser quick because he was sick of his public bullying and belittling. I couldn't quit as I had a family to support and I just kept hoping that this project would be completed and I would head home to my regular position soon. He wouldn't let any of the ladies sit or meet together without a man in the group because he said that without a man, all the ladies would just gossip.A real catch right!!!

I could go on but I think you get the general idea - this man was a pig.  (I know now that he was suffering, but that took me a while to come to terms with.)

Bit by bit the fear/anxiety arose in the pit of my stomach, I didn't want to face it anymore, then came the inability to sleep (which was a big deal for me as I use to fall asleep on the plane - before takeoff) and when sleep did come, there were nightmares, and the constant and total feeling that I was simply not good enough; for anything.

At the time I thought that this was the only issue bothering me, but through mindfulness (and some professional counselling and Psychological support) I was able to guess (I would like to say confirm but can you ever really be sure)  that I had unresolved issues from my past which also lead to my feeling of total inadequacy. I will not go into them now but let them come out throughout the rest of these blogs as they did for me, little by little.

What I have learned most about this is that it doesn't take a major incident to push someone out of balance, I mean, I didn't have a near death experience, I didn't see someone die in front of me or loose a loved one.....I was a victim of workplace bullying.

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Please be gentle with yourself and others as you never know how they are, what other pressures they are under and what a little bit extra stress might do to them; or that just a little bit of compassion might be enough to help them out.

Thanks for reading.

Background

So, I think to start with I should tell you a little about my background. I was born into a very normal, average sized, working class family, who lived in a very normal, small to middle sized town in a very normal house. I went to the local school and also all the other expected things - cubs, scouts, tennis, soccer, athletics. I was good at them all - but great at none. I had a few very good friends (with whom I still keep in touch) but I was not the popular kid. I was a very normal, average, person.  Now this is probably exactly how many other people grow up, I'm not sure I haven't asked too many - maybe I should!

I often tell people when we are discussing our lives that I feel like I wasn't really alive back then, I kind of, started to become alive as I reached my mid 20s and still it took about 10 years for this process to reach completion. Now I'm not saying here is that I'm complete - simply now aware that I am alive. That is probably, again, what happens to most other people. Maybe at the age of about 35 (or mid life) is when people 'wake up', become 'alive' and suddenly think, WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE? WHERE HAVE I BEEN ALL THIS TIME?

But at about 35 I think I was only partially alive. Oh sure I was breathing and my heart was doing what it was supposed to. However, I was really only going through the motions. (Maybe as a child I was living in the moment as I do remember being very happy most of the time, but I don't think I was mindful or cognisant of that fact; but that is another story altogether and one I will explore later.) Now I did have a few ideas of my own when I was growing up, I'm not saying I was just doing what ever others told me to, but nonetheless, I really didn't push against the status quo; I was a good boy - if you know what I mean? I thought at one point in time that I would like to be a Vet or a Pilot, but decided that maybe a Carpenter was more 'possible'. I knew I wasn't all that smart - or was that just what others had been telling me? If you hear something for long enough, you start to believe it.

I always found school a little difficult and had a rough time learning, but still this didn't really bother me at the time (or so I thought) - that I was aware of; as in, I don't remember sitting about thinking, "I'm so dumb, I'll never do anything!" But I do know now that it was a big part of my makeup.

So that's about it for background story. I finished high school and not really knowing exactly what I wanted to do I applied for uni. Got into and Bachelor of Arts degree and off I went. Finished three years of that with still no real or solid idea of what I wanted to do, so I did what I think a lot of people who don't know what they want to do - I did a degree in teaching.

I'm glad I went to uni at all as this is where I made some great friends, had some great times and most importantly; met my wife.

Once I completed my teaching studies I got a job in my home state and started working. It was OK but not totally fulfilling.

Thanks for reading.