Recognising there was a problem

After returning home I just assumed that all would settle back as it was before the overseas project - WRONG. The sleeplessness continued, the nightmares continued (almost every night). These were not like night terrors from which I awoke in a pool of sweat like you see in the movies, just bad dreams; mostly about people I love dying.  The other very strange thing which I experienced was very raw emotions (later to find out I was on the edge of bipolar disorder). When there was bad news on the TV/radio or just from others, I found it very had to not break down into tears - instantly. I would sometimes have to pull the car over as I was crying too much to continue driving after hearing something bad on the radio. These feeling stayed with me for way longer than I think they should have. I really felt like my emotions where broken.

After about six months of being home, all the issues where still there; and, well starting to get worse as I was now starting to withdraw from life.

I wasn't watching TV, or listening to the radio or reading the newspaper because most of the news is bad news - have you ever noticed. I was getting very angry with the family very quickly. I didn't really want go out or socialise. Work was the one constant in all this but I don’t think I was really value adding to anything much - generally life was a blur.  I now know that high levels of anxiety stopped me from really focusing on life and taking in anything new.

Like most people I didn't bother to seek help (I really had never heard of such a thing as Mental Health). I still just thought that I would get better - when I say better, I didn't think of myself as sick, rather broken. It felt like I didn't work anymore. If I was a kitchen appliance I would have been put in the garbage. I don't think I really thought about how or if I would/could get better. I don't really think I was thinking much about the future or how to improve the current situation. I guess I was just waiting for something 'magical' to happen all by itself. It is funny to look back over it now and realise that, I wasn't thinking at all.

Buddha would have said that I was stuck in the past, constantly focused on what HAD happened rather than what IS happening. I needed to forgive him, myself and clarify my view on existence.

So almost by accident (with a little help from work and a little help from home), I found myself at a Psychologist. I don't really even remember what we talked about at that first session; all I can remember is crying for almost the entire time; sometimes uncontrollably. I do remember feeling ashamed. Here I was, a grown man crying in front of another grown man – a stranger.   I also remember being a little scared, these feelings were bigger than I had realised and I wondered if I could ever bring them back in.

Now I was never brought up as a 'Men don't cry' man, or a 'Bottle it up and move on' type but none the less, there must have been a little bit of this -such is the power of socialisation. This is just the first item I have uncovered on this entire journey. There has been a lot of self discovery and realisation since starting down the mindfulness path. I also didn't fully realise that I had Mental Health issues and really did need professional help.

       It's always OK to ask... Are you OK?